Please note that the blog post you are about to read was written by a dyslexic dog mama with ADHD. Here’s what’s going on inside my brain…
Trigger warning, raw emotions dealing with a loss of a pet.
This is is about the hard fact of being a pet parent.
Today(Monday May 9th) I made the call!
This isn't going to go well as I'm already crying.
Now its Tuesday, and I have shed many tears.
Why do we feel guilt, shame and even fear of judgement from others? As it was pointed out to me yesterday when talking with a friend about what has been going on with Mackay. And, when to do the best thing for him. Yes, I am talking about euthanasia. I prefer to call it a respectful goodbye. As it's not about me it's about him. His quality of life.
And crap it's not easy, I choke up and my stomach turns. Yesterday, the appointment was made. May 13th at noon is his goodbye.
It’s now Wednesday, last night I ate GF mac and cheese and cried the whole time. Heck, even now I'm doing my best to hold back the tears. These are the hard moments of being a pet owner/parent. Crap!!!! Here's the thing, you don't have to go it alone. Reach out to your family, friends, your breeder or someone you shouldn't be alone with these emotions. The emotions that come up are all and nothing. Last night I was numb and that's okay. Right now I'm a mess and that's okay. These are the raw emotions and they fucking suck.
Thursday, I woke with a calm state of mind. Maybe I'm cried out or numb. As of this moment (2:56 pm), I'm quiet. There's an odd calm in the house. I've let go of the frustration, and anger. As of now, it doesn't matter whose food he eats or how much or what time. It is irrelevant! What's important is to be present in the moment. Planning out how tomorrow will go. Mackay will get a special breakfast, what? No idea and that's okay. Yesterday, while Piper and Willow were outside I sat on the floor with him and hugged him gently.
I whispered in his ear.
Mama loves you.
I wish I was a better mama to you.
And that it's okay.
As I write Mackay is at the other end of the sofa. He’s panting and my heart pulls as I realize this call should have been sooner. We all fall into the trap of let’s try this or that and we make excuses for what's really going on. The term I heard that made sense is, aging out.
It’s now a few hours later. In my normal pattern of coping cleaning and music. Piper is on the sofa beside me. Sarah Harmer is on and Im singing. I have been purposly noticing the little things and the silly moments. And when each opportunty presents its self I let Mackay know hes a good boy. Yesterday I had thought, oh i should bath and groom him. But who would I be doing it for? It wouuld only stress him out and why do I have the right to do that? What he needs is love. Not pomp and cercomsnese. Deep breath, as I realize these are the lasts.
Evening with him.
Yesterday, I had reached out to an aquatance Viara Mileva. She is a amazing documatary photographer based in the Kingston area. We chatted as I asked her about caputring Mackays final moments. She recomended a lovely person and we talked on the phone today. Arrangemtns have been made.
Its Friday. Our day started at 5:39 am. It was so different. It’s hard to explain the feeling in the house. We all know. During breakfast Mackay was having a momment. I did everything not to cry as thats not what he needed in that moment. I went to him and placed my hand on his back. Soft gentle engery. In that moment I realized he gets gluten. Poor boy should at least get a donut or buger or something that mama would say no to. *Mama has Celiacs Dease so its a not gluten house hold. It’s 6;43, Piper and Mackay are laying on the floor.
I've realized documenting these 5 days is a good thing. As it lets me work through the feelings and hurts. Through this process it lets me see where I can be a better human. Starting five days ago I've been able to deal with guilt and reach out to people close to me. In sharing, I learned things about others.
Grief is a process and being able to go through the steps(moments) is a good thing. If we don't grief will show up at the wrong time expressed in the wrong way. My moment was standing in line in the imaging depart of our local hospital. Another human with what they thought was a funny comment didn't go over well. At that moment it was too much and I made it clear i was not comfortable. Once that moment passed I refocused. ANd ended up saying to the person in front of me At this time everyone is doing the best they can with what they have, be patient. I realized I said out loud what I needed to be told.
Through all of this, my worry is Willow,
Here are a few moments of Mackay's journey. We stopped at Mc Donalds and got him an egg mc muffin. Had to hide it till we got to Aunt Jess’s.
We arrived at our Veterinarians around 11:50 am Friday 13th, 2022. A pack of four left as a pack of three. Mackay RIP 2011- 2022