Please note that the blog post you are about to read was written by a dyslexic dog mama with ADHD. Here’s what’s going on inside my brain…
Warning - that this post may trigger as it talks about abuse, and self-harm.
While cutting up green cabbage to dehydrate it crossed my mind to share. We need to normalize that life can be hard. Real life isn't what is posted on social media, LOL as I'll share this on our social media pages. It is said that the third Monday of January is mentally a hard day for people. So let's talk! I'm going to share tidbits of my life that may seem like a fairy tale or nightmare. I share with the purpose of I'm still standing, I'm still here. And to those who had any other thoughts of who I should be, "I hope you get what you wish for." Whoops, listening to music that feeds my soul is key. Just shouldn't type it into my thoughts. (Music break)
Okay, I've focused again. Like I said real talk.
In my life, I can't count how many times I haven't been enough for others.
Alanis Morissette song Perfect seems fitting.
When I was a child I was reminded that I was adopted and that I should remember that I was lucky. So the act of keeping the perfect image was key. It was also pointed out that I could and would (sent away on weekends, to a stranger to be a lesson) be gotten rid of if I didn't toe the line. Anything "bad" "physical and mental abuse " was my fault. What wasn't thought of or considered my stubbornness? It's the only thing that saved me and created the person I am now. Even when in school I didn't fit in, was too tall, and thin and wore designer clothes in the 80s. God help me if that wasn't crying out to be bullied I don't know what was. Do I condone being beaten by hordes of teenage girls, hell no! One session ended with my head being slammed into a steel door. I was rushed into the principal office and a meeting was called. The stuff hit the roof, and at the end, I asked y, my mother, what did you do, if I was good this wouldn't have happened. Flash forward to 2001 and 2004 I underwent subdural decompression of my brain. In 2021 while sitting in a friend's hot tub chatting about pink shirt day. It was then that I realized this may have been caused by the childhood bullying, that inceditnet when my head was slammed into an outdoor steel door. Moving forward, abuse was common in my childhood, and I was so happy to move out to attend college. I'm outta here was all I could think of. The stress was beyond, and it wasn't even what I was learning. The abuse continued from my mother. It was in my second year when I attempted suicide. This hadn't been the first time I had thought of it., when I was 11 I contemplated it and told my friend on the phone. So, that s when the eating disorder started. Yes, I may not appear as someone who is recovering eating disorder. I will tell anyone, a person NEVER gets over it. It's that little voice, just over my shoulder. When you hear me say I don't have big mirrors in my home or a scale. Under a year after the first attempted suicide, I did it again. I won't go into details, but I woke in a daze thinking shit I'm still here. Then I panicked, I called a friend and she rushed over and dragged my sorry self to KGH. I remember laughing at one point and saying to the shrink, guess I'm stuck here as I've tried twice. Heaven nor hell wanted me so here I am to stay. Don't think I ever said sorry or thank you to that friend. We had and have been friends since kindergarten.
So, I'm here and I muddled through trying to find myself and be perfect. All I knew was that I was to be perfect as that is the only way people will like me, love me or want me. Every relationship family, ex-friends and ex-partners/ husband found it easy to get rid of me when I didn't fit their needs or wants. Music has been my saving grace. It fills my soul and speaks the words I can't find. Justin Furstinfeild of Blue October is my go-to. When my father died(2017) and that shit show was happening I found myself sitting in the mensroom signing Fear. I heard a knock on the door, from a person that was important to me at that time asking if I was okay. Hell, no I wasn't. But I made it through. After that, I didn't have contact with my family. As I realized I needed to stop the game. No more was I going to be me. Granted it wasn't till Jan 20th, 2021 that I put myself first. It's been two years of learning and growing.
This video got me through it, his telling of his journey is moving. When my parents died I didn't cry. Back in 2012 with the passing of Shannon, I cried, screamed and begged my higher power to take me. Heck, I'm almost in tears now. As you see my dogs accepted me, Shannon picked me, 8 weeks old and she sat on my boot. I cry and my heart breaks when I say goodbye to my pets. Mentally, it is hard. Pipers passing and the grief that followed messed me up.
But there's good in the world, and this past November I attended a conference and I learned. I learned my purpose, is to love and be loved. Mind-blowing I know. In December 2022 I had that light blub moment. I had this need for anyone or thing to pick me. That little kid jumping up and down wanting to be picked. And then it dawned on me, I need to pick myself! So I did and I have.
Now has that fixed everything? Is my life perfect? And it's all rainbow and sunshine, heck no! What it is, is doing nothing and realizing that I'm smiling just because. It's dancing in the living room because I can. It's realizing life is short and it's a journey, we get to choose how we respond.
What I do daily,
Wake up and stand up, and giggle. Then think I'm upright that's a relief Sing like no one watching. Then do whatever I want, with kindness. And at the end of the day, I pick me. Cause if I listened to anyone in my past, I wouldn't be here!
Please know, there are resources to help you. You are not alone.